In my last post, I described our human tendency to impose silent expectations on others, rather than asking for what we desire or need. That behavior works well enough for everyday interactions. It becomes irrational or foolish when we are expecting others to make our pain go away or to fulfill the deepest yearnings of our heart.<\/p>\n
I mentioned the book Seven Desires<\/em> by Mark and Debbie Laaser. They identify seven universal human longings: to be heard and understood, to be affirmed, to be blessed, to be safe, to be touched in a meaningful way, to be chosen, and to be included. They also offer the image of an iceberg. What we think of as \u201cthe problem\u201d is often just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface, silent and massive, lurks a strong force in motion that warrants much greater attention. If ignored long enough, it will advance with unstoppable momentum.<\/p>\n As I read their book, I felt the scales falling from my eyes. I now recognize that I was sometimes unwittingly placing expectations on others and that I was letting others place them on me. I realized that I often felt anxious or unsafe, rejected or shameful, alone or misunderstood. It was not other people\u2019s fault that I felt those things. It was okay that I felt those things. I was not trapped. I was not doomed to feel those things forever. I could do something about it. My heavenly Father, my Blessed Mother Mary, and my true friends were there, if only I would ask for help. Not everyone can help me all the time.<\/p>\n In fact, it is much more appropriate that they do not. It is so important for us ordained ministers to have a strong support network outside<\/u> of the communities we serve. That allows us the freedom of heart to love and serve the people in front of us.<\/p>\n After years of downplaying my emotional and spiritual pain, I began seeking and receiving additional support in facing my wounds of fear, shame, rejection, and abandonment. One of my friends and I have been on a similar journey, and regularly encourage each other to stay on the path of healing. It\u2019s tempting to turn aside! He and I like to quip, \u201cThe problem with facing painful emotions is that they\u2019re painful.\u201d It is no surprise that many of us prefer to avoid them.<\/p>\n I totally relate to the analogy offered by Sister Miriam Heidland in her book Loved as I Am<\/em>. She describes the numbness we feel in winter if we come indoors with frostbite. Following the numbness comes an excruciating pain \u2013 which is a step in the right direction \u2013 and finally the recovery of normal sensation in our appendages. Like little children, we often need to be encouraged that coming in from the cold is good for us, and that the unbearable pain is only temporary.<\/p>\n Jesus modeled for us a willingness to depend upon others, to ask for and receive what he needed. The Gospels describe how frequently he withdrew to abide with his Father, and how he radically depended upon his Father. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus humbly asked his friends to spend an hour with him in prayer \u2013 perhaps knowing that they might not give him what he asked for. Imitating his Father, he respected their freedom. He was secure in his identity as God\u2019s beloved Son and had full confidence that his real needs would still be provided for.<\/p>\n Above all else, Jesus modeled true freedom for us. I yearn to imitate that freedom: \u201cNo one takes my life from me; I lay it down freely\u201d<\/em><\/strong> (John 10:18). He offered himself freely as the spotless Lamb of God, but he never played the victim card.<\/p>\n I must admit that I still find it challenging to let my \u201cyes\u201d mean \u201cyes\u201d and my \u201cno\u201d mean \u201cno\u201d (cf. <\/em>Matthew 5:37). I sometimes find myself saying \u201cyes\u201d grudgingly, and then needing to battle through resentment or self-pity. I sometimes experience irrational guilt or shame when I say \u201cno\u201d \u2013 even when my \u201cno\u201d is for very good reasons. Instead of a simple \u201cyes\u201d or \u201cno\u201d I often feel the need to justify myself.\u00a0 My heart is a work in progress.<\/p>\n In my lack of full freedom, I can see that I am still struggling with unreasonable expectations \u2013 sometimes with those that others try to impose on me, but especially with the unreasonable expectations that I place on myself.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve learned to listen attentively to my heart and lips, guarding against those words, \u201cI have to\u2026<\/em>\u201d In truth, I never \u201chave to\u201d do anything. No one takes my life from me; I lay it down freely. There is always a choice. God always<\/u> respects our freedom. Look at Adam and Eve. Look at the prodigal son. The Father allowed them to go their way. He allowed them to learn from the consequences of their choices. He never \u201cmakes\u201d us do anything. We are always free.<\/p>\n \u201cI have to<\/em>\u201d is a lie. Often we believe it because we are avoiding a conflict or running from a challenging situation. Other times we tell ourselves \u201cI have to<\/em>\u201d because we somehow believe that our self-worth will be diminished if we don\u2019t fulfill this expectation of the other person. That\u2019s a lie. We remain God\u2019s sons and daughters; his Fatherly love never changes. When we can believe the full truth about who we are as God\u2019s beloved children, then we can break free from the prison of fear. We can shake off the shackles of unreasonable expectations and begin freely giving and freely receiving, abiding in authentic human love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In my last post, I described our human tendency to impose silent expectations on others, rather than asking for what we desire or need. That behavior works well enough for everyday interactions. It becomes irrational or foolish when we are expecting others to make our pain go away or to fulfill the deepest yearnings of … <\/p>\n