Jesus teaches us to be merciful like the Father, to forgive\nfrom our heart. The \u201cOur Father\u201d is a daily reminder that we must seek to forgive\nif we ourselves desire to be forgiven. Easier said than done!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes we just don\u2019t want to forgive. The hurt can be so\ndeep. The damage can be so lasting \u2013 or perhaps ongoing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even those determined to forgive can feel stuck. Just when\nwe think we have finally let it go, some little event of daily life sets off a reaction\nin us, exposing new layers of bitterness and resentment. Will it never end?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today I suggest a shocking concept: in order to forgive, we\nmust learn to count the cost, yes, even when counting the cost involves feeling\nangry. Allow me to explain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Bible often describes forgiveness in terms of writing\noff a debt. In the Old Testament, God instructed the Jews to observe a Year of\nJubilee every 50 years. It was to be a year of liberation and consolation, a\nyear of setting slaves free and writing off old debts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In Matthew 18, Jesus offers us the parable of the\nunforgiving servant. He owes his master a vast sum of money, impossible to pay\nback, and his master writes off the entire debt. The same servant goes out and\nthrottles a fellow servant who owes him a mere pittance. Jesus offers the moral\nof the story: that we who are forgiven so much by God must go forth and forgive\nfrom our heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But let\u2019s not lose the image of writing off a debt. To write\noff a debt, I must name what is owed. Then I can declare that I release\nthe other person from the debt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is where so many of us get stuck in our unforgiveness.\nWhen it comes to serious betrayal, cruelty, abuse, or neglect, the wound can be\nso deep and painful that we prefer to ignore it. It\u2019s so much easier to turn to\na clich\u00e9 like \u201cforgive and forget\u201d or \u201cmove on with life\u201d or \u201cwater under a\nbridge.\u201d But if we minimize or deny just how serious the pain is, we leave\nourselves unfree to write off the debt. Part of us will hold on to the\nresentment and bitterness. It will keep leaking out until we finally face it. If\nwe are obstinate, it may even lead us to harden our heart and block ourselves\nfrom ever receiving or giving love again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCounting the cost\u201d means giving ourselves permission to\nfeel deeply angry at those who have hurt us and (-gasp-<\/em>) even at God himself. He can handle it! If a flawed parent\ncan handle the anger of an unruly child, surely our heavenly Father will love\nus tenderly when we come to him upset and in pain. If you don\u2019t believe me, I urge\nyou to read the Book of Job or to pray some of the Psalms. God delighted in Job\nand David precisely because they came to him with an open heart: no wearing of\nmasks, no pretending or protecting. God healed their hearts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, in the name of being Christian, many make the\nmistake of viewing anger as a bad thing, a shameful thing, an unacceptable\nthing. It is not uncommon for Christian families to train their children that\nthey must never express anger. So the children learn from their parents to\nminimize or deny, to pretend like they\u2019re not actually angry. Their anger turns\nto passive aggression and breeds toxic relationships that never seem happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, there are destructive ways of expressing anger that we\nshould avoid. Lashing out at others physically or verbally is a bad thing.\nDamaging people or property is a bad thing. Stubbornly holding a lifelong\ngrudge is a bad thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But anger can also be a healthy emotion, an important part\nof the human experience. Like it or not, it is often there \u2013 and will stay\nthere \u2013 until we finally face it and resolve it. The same holds true for even\nmore painful emotions such as shame or fear, which often lurk beneath our anger\nand fuel it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It is so much easier to avoid our wounds \u2013 especially for\nthose of us who pretend that we are in control. \nIf we have been hurt, and hurt badly, we instinctively resist and avoid\nthe prospect of going toward the painful emotions. We fear that once we\nstart feeling them we may never stop. We will lose control. The pain will never\nend. And so forth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That is why it is so important to draw close to God and\nothers in our pain \u2013 not just anyone, but those who are truly trustworthy \u2013\nthose who will empathize and encourage and accompany, challenging us without\ntrying to \u201cfix\u201d us. With communal support, our wounds will not be too\nmuch for us. We can face them. We can name them. We can claim them. Then we can\ncall upon Jesus to heal us and set us free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All too often, our Christian communities have been dysfunctional, not seeking to heal the whole person. Instead of showing empathy and accompaniment to the broken-hearted, instead of weeping with those who weep, we try to fix them with rule-following. We tell them what they should feel and think. Or we help them numb their pain with more socially acceptable drugs like busyness or volunteering. Like Job, they just need someone to acknowledge their pain and be with them. God will provide the healing. But we are saved as a believing community, not as isolated individuals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we find authentic community with others and with God,\nwe can probe the depths of our wounds. We can \u201ccount the cost.\u201d And then \u2013\ncalling on Jesus \u2013 we can truly release it all. We can forgive from our heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Jesus teaches us to be merciful like the Father, to forgive from our heart. The \u201cOur Father\u201d is a daily reminder that we must seek to forgive if we ourselves desire to be forgiven. Easier said than done! Sometimes we just don\u2019t want to forgive. The hurt can be so deep. The damage can be … <\/p>\n