He made himself at home in my heart as though he had never\nleft.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I now understand that there was so much more going on than\nprocrastination. This was not primarily a matter of discipline or a lack of\ndiscipline. The deeper truth is that I was not very connected to my emotions,\nnor to the deeper needs of my heart. I was feeling lonely, sad, and\ndisconnected. I was fearing failure and struggling with shame. I was feeling\nvery much like I felt when I was 10 or 11 years old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A wise man I once knew always liked to say \u201cold pain, old\nsolution.\u201d If I am feeling like an emotionally vulnerable 11-year-old, then it\u2019s\neasy to begin acting like one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unfortunately, when we act like 11-year-olds (or 8-year-olds\nor 3-year-olds) we have a tendency to be frustrated or disgusted or\nself-shaming. Why do I have to be this\nway?? What\u2019s wrong with me??<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Children in distress need comfort and care, not shaming. We\ncan learn to be kind to ourselves in those moments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A year ago I was reading The\nBody Keeps the Score<\/em> by Bessel van der Kolk. I was moved to tears as he\ndescribed a trauma treatment called Internal Family Systems therapy. It really\nresonated with me. IFS describes the all-too-common human experience of having\nmany voices and movements within our hearts at any given time. It\u2019s almost like\neach of us has multiple personalities within us. We have an assortment of\ncharacter roles that we can quickly assume, without even thinking about it: the\nprocrastinator, the perfectionist, the fault-finder, the binge eater, the\ngossip, the worry wart, the hider, the flirt \u2013 and so many more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Internal Family Systems suggests that our deepest, truest\nself is an integration of all these different \u201cparts\u201d of ourselves. I will give\na caveat that there are (unfortunately) some very New-Age versions of IFS that\nrisk turning us into narcissists or Gnostics or worse. But Christians like\nChuck DeGroat (author of Wholeheartedness<\/em>)\ndo a marvelous job of describing the wholeness and integration that Jesus came\nto bring. All of these inner characters \u2013 some of them deeply familiar to us \u2013\nare good parts of our good hearts, created in the image and likeness of\nGod. Some of these \u201cparts\u201d are still stuck in childhood, still playing the same\nold role they began playing all those years ago. And they are tired and\nexhausted. They long to hear the Good News of Jesus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n IFS divides these inner parts or characters into three main\ngroups: exiles, managers, and firefighters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Often when we experience serious trauma or neglect in life,\nour survival instincts kick in, and we discover ways to protect ourselves and\nendure. We instinctively find ways to lock away the most tender and vulnerable\nparts of ourselves. These become the exiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The exiles carry heavy burdens such as shame, fear,\nloneliness, sadness, anger, or resentment. They also carry our deepest human\npotential \u2013 for trust, vulnerability, dependence, relationships, connection,\ncreativity, innovation, fruitfulness, and self-gift. As long as they stay\nlocked up, we will only be a shell of our true selves. But letting them out\nfeels so scary. It seems so much safer to keep them locked away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That is where the managers come in (sometimes called the \u201cprotectors\u201d). They receive a commission at a very young age \u2013 work vigilantly and relentlessly to keep guard over the exiles. Make sure they do not escape!<\/p>\n\n\n\n For myself, at a very young age, I learned how to hide myself. Better not to let my true self be seen. That is probably my oldest manager\/protector. Many of my other inner characters are variations on how to hide myself \u2013 even in plain sight. I learned early and often how to dissociate from the present moment, how to daydream, how to be shy, or how to procrastinate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Around age 11, I somehow hired an entire crack team of new managers \u2013 headed by the perfectionist.\u00a0 Working for him were other high-performance managers like the \u201cA\u201d student, the athlete, the achiever, and the Pharisee. Performing and achieving somehow felt so safe \u2013 indeed, I stayed in that mode for about 30 more years!<\/p>\n\n\n\n These characters served me so well \u2013 until they didn\u2019t. It sure seemed like, with them working so hard, they could somehow find a way to make sure I never make any mistakes and therefore would never be unloved or rejected. It turns out that Love doesn\u2019t work that way. But 11-year-olds still have a lot to learn about Love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are many manager or protector roles that we can take on \u2013 the worry wart, the future tripper, the planner, or the control freak. And then there is everyone\u2019s all-time favorite: the inner critic \u2013 that almost undetectable whisper within that tells us we are going to fail, that we\u2019ll never be good enough. Even that inner critic is a good part of ourselves that means well \u2013 trying so hard to protect us from the pain of feeling rejected or unwanted or unloved. Probably there was a time when that voice helped us survive. Eventually, it becomes a torment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s so easy to let our managers be in charge \u2013 or live in\nthe illusion that they are in charge. For long periods of time it feels like\nsuccess! Life seems so great.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then something truly hard happens, and it begins to feel\nlike our cozy little life is slipping away. We notice that one of our exiles is\nescaping; we begin feeling bodily sensations or emotions that (according to\npast experience) are a stern warning of imminent danger \u2013 a serious threat is\nat hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In those situations, some of us tend to double down on our\nmanagers. I will try even harder, impose even more discipline, become blaming\nand demanding with others, cling desperately to control \u2013 you know the drill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And then it fails. \nThe alarm goes off. Security breach. The exiles are on the loose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Enter the firefighters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They will put out the fire \u2013 whatever it takes. They tend to\nbe \u201cbad boys.\u201d They don\u2019t mind doing all kinds of property damage, so long as\nthey save the exiles and get them back in their cages. Mission accomplished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It very much reminds me of the hotel scene in <\/a>Ghostbusters<\/a><\/em> when they capture their first ghost \u2013 trashing the ritzy ballroom in the process. When the manager protests paying their fee, they say, \u201cThat\u2019s okay, we can just put it right back in there\u2026\u201d\u00a0 And the manager relents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Within my own inner \u201cfamily\u201d of characters, I have more benign firefighters like the daydreamer or the disarming smiler or the jokester. I have more intense ones like the nail biter, the binge eater, or the drinker. Addictive behaviors of any kind definitely fall in the firefighter category.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Looking back to my teenage years, my inner perfectionist was in charge most of the time, but when he and his team got exhausted, I spent hours on end escaping into video games. The escapes changed and morphed over the years. Eventually, life got hard enough that none of them were enough. That is when I realized I needed to reach out in new ways for help. So I did. My life has been transformed by the new relationships and new adventures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, during this time of COVID-19, I have definitely had moments in which multiple managers or multiple firefighters began showing up unannounced \u2013 just like the dwarves at the beginning of The Hobbit<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are familiar with that delightful tale, you know how Bilbo Baggins (reluctantly at first) shows hospitality to his intrusive guests. That unexpected party ultimately opens an opportunity for Bilbo to embark upon an amazing adventure there and back again that forever changes his life. All would have been different had he driven the dwarves away in disgust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here we find an important lesson. These various \u201cparts\u201d within us, these characters or members of our inner family system are not our enemies. They\u2019re sincerely trying to help us; they just don\u2019t know how. This is true even for those parts of the human heart that act out in the form of sexual fantasy or lust or pornography. They are trying very hard to meet a legitimate (non-sexual) need in an illicit way. Human urges may need a lot of untangling but when we get to the roots we will discover something very good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To be sure, like those dwarves in Tolkien\u2019s tale, our\nfirefighters and managers are not the best ones to put in charge. Their\nself-interest and narrow-mindedness will get in the way. But if properly led\nand rightly ordered, they are wonderful travel companions and fierce allies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first step, I have found, is gently noticing. Just notice that all these characters have suddenly shown up. Then wonder at why they are really there…<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some of the questions I find helpful in these situations: What\u2019s going on? What am I really feeling right now? Is there something my heart needs right now?<\/em> \u00a0I find when I slow down and truly allow myself to be in the present moment, I often begin weeping, not realizing just what a “party” my heart was having and I wasn’t paying attention to. I also find that it often helps to phone a friend and connect, to begin naming what is happening in the depths of my heart, describing the “unexpected party” of managers or firefighters who suddenly showed up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In IFS therapy sessions, therapists will actually ask questions of these managers or firefighters. Why are you here? How old are you? What are you so afraid of? <\/em>When these different characters within ourselves are seen and noticed, heard and understood, thanked and appreciated, then they behave like most real people would in those circumstances \u2013 they become more open and docile, willing to be led and guided by someone who is trustworthy. They step aside and allow the exiles to be truly cared for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Truth is, they don\u2019t actually like their job \u2013 it\u2019s a crappy role they were forced to take on at a very young age. They would very much like it if a mature and wise person would step in to lead and direct. But they need lots of reassurance that it\u2019s going to be safe \u2013 that the exiles won\u2019t be hurt in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That is why the self-loathing and self-shaming is so toxic. It increases the inner conflicts. Our managers will then become even more overbearing, and our firefighters become that much more sly and cunning. These inner characters are holding on to parts of ourselves that need to be saved. They are good and faithful servants in their own misguided manner. They need to be integrated and unified, not cast aside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We may feel frustrated that old behaviors come knocking at our door, unwelcome and unexpected. But we can learn empathy and kindness. We can allow the Risen Jesus to enter the scene with his \u201cPeace be with you.” Then the unexpected party can truly become a the beginning of a great adventure. The Paschal Peace of Jesus will begin to give direction and right order to our exiles, our managers, and our firefighters. He will gather and integrate and heal what had been scattered and divided and damaged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, sometimes this quarantine is really hard. But don\u2019t let\nit get you down. See it as an opportunity to have tea with some old friends.\nInvite Jesus to the party and let him give his guidance and wisdom. Accept the\nhelp of other friends along the way, and don\u2019t let the unruly dwarves get the\nbest of you. It\u2019s an invitation to a great adventure, one that will lead you to\ndiscover your deeper destiny, one that will heal your heart and allow the glory\nof Jesus to shine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Have you noticed during this pandemic that some of your \u201cold friends\u201d keep showing up uninvited? I think you know who I mean \u2013 those behaviors so familiar for so long that you naively thought you had left behind. Maybe it\u2019s procrastination or sluggishness. Maybe it\u2019s peevishness or fault-finding. Maybe it\u2019s fretting or freaking out. … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/www.abideinlove.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/The-Hider.png?fit=525%2C349\")
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