I have come to realize that shame is the devil\u2019s tactic of choice in his efforts to ruin our human existence. Certainly he entices and allures, divides and distracts. Occasionally he openly attacks, but he would much rather not. In those moments we might call upon the name of the Lord and be saved. If there\u2019s anything the devil can\u2019t stand, it\u2019s being defeated yet again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rather than an open\nfight, the devil much prefers to lurk in the shadows and undermine us without\nour even noticing. As Kevin Spacey famously said in The Usual Suspects<\/em>: \u201cThe greatest trick the devil ever pulled was\nconvincing the world he didn\u2019t exist.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The devil subtly shames\nus with his lies, keeping us from becoming fully ourselves. If we don\u2019t unmask\nhim and expose him, if we don\u2019t even notice that he\u2019s there, he can deceive us with\nease, convincing us that we are unlovable, that we must avoid being vulnerable,\nand that we must hide ourselves from others and even from God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Curt Thompson wrote a marvelous book on the subject entitled The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves<\/em>. He offers the image of a \u201cshame attendant\u201d who follows each of us around, pretending to be a loyal servant, eagerly whispering his counsel in our ear. I think immediately of Grima Wormtongue from The Lord\u00a0of\u00a0the\u00a0Rings<\/em>, who kept sapping and undermining the strength of King Theoden with his whispered distortions and lies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shame is all about distorting our true story. We humans are storytellers by our very nature<\/a>. Even though we only know some of the facts in any given situation, we generally cannot resist filling in the gaps with assumptions about the parts of the story that we do not know. This is how rumors get started. This is why twenty different witnesses can give twenty different accounts of the same event. This is why one momentary interaction in daily life can sometimes feel like just a normal human interaction and other times can send us on a downward spiral for hours or even days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n An acquaintance walks\npast without stopping to talk. A co-worker asks for a status report on our\nproject that we are behind on. A parish member asks us how our struggling child\nis doing in school. A friend posts social media photos of amazing family\nactivities. A spouse offers a suggestion for how to do something differently. Any\none of these innocuous experiences can cause a sudden shift. We might\nimmediately feel the urge to withdraw or isolate or procrastinate; we might lash\nout at the person; we might find ourselves replaying conversations over and\nover in our mind, trying to find just the right response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Behind those reactions are the whispers of our shame attendant: There you go again; you always fail at those things\u2026 You\u2019ll never be as successful as him\u2026 You\u2019ll never be beautiful like her\u2026 Of course she would walk away from you; why would you let someone get close to you like that?… He wouldn\u2019t understand \u2013 no one will ever really understand you\u2026 If you make mistakes like that, no one will want to be around you anymore\u2026 You\u2019re stuck; nothing will ever change<\/em>… People will always let you down; they\u2019ll leave you once they really get to know you\u2026 <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The devil is the father\nof lies and a murderer from the beginning. He sees God\u2019s glory in us and cannot\nstand it. Often very early in life, he begins his carefully planned attack. He\nsneaks in when we are the most powerless and vulnerable, and whispers lies and\nhalf-truths into our ears. He uses a few facts to begin distorting our story. This\nconstant whisper becomes so much a part of our life that we cease noticing it.\nWe learn to hide and isolate, for fear of feeling vulnerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The hiding and isolating\ncan come in many forms: avoidance and withdrawal, shifting the blame to others,\nputting on a fake persona, overachieving, or addictive behaviors. Every\naddiction is fueled by shame. Whereas intimate relationships run the risk of\nabandonment or rejection, the soothing of an addiction (sugar, alcohol,\nshopping, pornography, binge watching) will always be there for us, won\u2019t make\nany immediate demands, and will numb the shame if only for a brief time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Perfectionism is also fueled\nby shame, and often goes hand in hand with addictive behaviors. Behind every\nperfectionist is a shame attendant whispering why failure is not an option: I am only lovable if I am accomplished and\nsuccessful; I am not lovable when I make mistakes or fail; I have to\u2026or\nelse\u2026<\/em> When the pressures of perfectionism become crushing and unbearable,\nthe escape of an addiction can feel irresistible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shame doesn\u2019t just infect our minds in the form of negative self-talk or accusations; it also affects our emotions and even our bodies. We are a unity of body, mind, and spirit. So we typically feel shame and even carry it in our bodies. That is why our shame reactions can be so strong and so lasting in certain day-to-day human interactions. Many of us have shame-laden memories, unresolved moments in our story that we keep hidden away \u2013 moments in which we felt totally worthless or unlovable, threatened or powerless, rejected or alone or abandoned. In those memories, our body felt certain sensations. If we ever feel those again, our brain immediately sets off its \u201csmoke alarm\u201d<\/a> (the amygdala) and warns us that we are in grave danger \u2013 even when we are not. We react. We hide. We isolate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The solution is so counter-intuitive. We need to be seen and known, to come to the light, to be loved and to belong. It only works if I surrender and allow all <\/u>of myself to be seen and accepted and loved (including the \u201cbad\u201d parts I would rather lock away).\u00a0 If I pull back and only project an avatar of myself, a \u201csafe\u201d and edited version to share with others, I will never truly be known and loved \u2013 and shame can stay in the driver\u2019s seat, ever reminding me that there are other weaker parts of me that must be kept hidden at all costs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To be human is to be\nvulnerable, whether we like it or not. The whispers of shame convince us that\nwe must not allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. So long as we are beholden to\nthose whispers, we are unable to be healed and integrated as a whole person. We\ncontinue to experience what Mother Teresa described as the greatest form\npoverty \u2013 to feel alone and unloved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And you<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 what are the parts of yourself that you hide from others or from God? Are you willing to be known and seen and heard by at least a few trustworthy people, and by God? He does not pull back; he loves us for who we are and he has always loved us. He has loved us “even when…” If we ask, he will also help us find others who can play that role of loving us for who we are. Those people are there to be found \u2013 we are just afraid!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stepping out into the experience of vulnerability can be terrifying at times (believe me, I know!). But the shadows of shame take flight the more that we allow it to happen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have come to realize that shame is the devil\u2019s tactic of choice in his efforts to ruin our human existence. Certainly he entices and allures, divides and distracts. Occasionally he openly attacks, but he would much rather not. In those moments we might call upon the name of the Lord and be saved. If … <\/p>\n