The Lost Coin – Wisdom from Gregory of Nyssa

You are a beloved child of God. He made you good and beautiful, in his own image and likeness. You are cherished by him, chosen by him, and precious to him. He desires your heart and longs for you to be intimately close to him. He doesn’t want your achievements and accomplishments; he wants you – all of you. His greatest joy, shared by the angels and saints in heaven, is when you turn to him with all your heart and receive his total and unconditional Fatherly love for you.

If you are like me, you know those truths on an intellectual and theological level, but struggle to believe them and receive them with all your heart. In our more reflective moments, we painfully realize the magnitude of our sinful choices. We have damaged our relationships with God and others and self. We have become lost. There is, in the end, no denying that painful truth.

In the menacing shadow of our sinfulness, we fear that we are no longer lovable. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, we hide from love and protect ourselves. We minimize our struggle and our pain in the presence of others and of God. In resisting vulnerability, we “safely” block out the love that is being freely offered to us. Then we end up feeling even more alone and unloved, and the cycle of sin begins anew. In the depths of our heart we yearn to be loved for who we are, but in our fear of rejection we dare not dream that dream.

In the 300’s, Saint Gregory of Nyssa offered a profound reflection on the parable of the Lost Coin in Luke 15. Gregory has to be one of the most overlooked and underappreciated Christian authors of all time. He was an intellectual giant in the fields of philosophy and theology. In an age that was much confused about the Trinity, he offered keen insight into how it is possible for God to be an eternal communion of love, three persons yet truly one God. Others were thinking in terms of separate substances; he was thinking in terms of relationship and an eternal communion of love. He “got it” about God.

He also really “got” the full truth of what it means to be human beings made in God’s image. He takes sin quite seriously, yet views our sinfulness as our condition. It is not who we are. It is not our identity. In our brokenness and distress, we tend to identify ourselves with our sins – but that is not how God sees us. We remain his precious children. The divine likeness that we bear is smeared and soiled, buried and hidden – yet remains what it always was. We are always God’s precious children.

That is where the image of the Lost Coin comes in. We are made in the likeness of God. Just as a coin is stamped with the image of the emperor or king, so are we stamped with God’s own likeness. Just as a coin is made from precious metal, so are we made “very good” in God’s design.

He entrusts us with a universe that is resplendent with truth and goodness and beauty. And we soil and tarnish it. By our own free choices, we choose lesser goods rather than real relationships, and we sully ourselves.

Yes, the shiny coin held proudly in God’s hands chooses to slip out and dive deeply into the muck. In its outward filth and stench, the coin becomes lost and barely recognizable for what it is. Yet inside it remains what it always was. In the words of Jesus, “The Kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:21).

Without the grace of Jesus, we cannot recover that lost coin, that inner goodness and truth and beauty that is yet within us. Like the woman in the parable, we can find other coins. We can do good and grow in virtues. We can achieve and accomplish and serve. But, unaided by grace and faith, that one coin will always elude us. Only when we light the lamp of faith and call on the aid of Jesus can we find that lost coin.

Even though sin is secondary, its effects are very real. We will need the purifying grace to Jesus to cleanse the mire and filth that has covered over the coin. It can be quite painful to be vulnerable and surrender ourselves to that purification and cleansing. But then the inner beauty of the coin – always there and never really lost – shines forth once again. At its core it remains the precious metal that it always was. It has lost none of its true worth. It still bears the mark of the King of Kings.

As Luke tells us, the angels and saints are eagerly cheering us on. There is more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over all the others who (think they) have no need of repentance. The citizens of heaven yearn for those moments when the light of Christ breaks through, when we “come to our senses” like the prodigal son and surrender ourselves to our Father’s love. They erupt into joyful cheers when we once again believe the full truth about ourselves – that we are precious and beloved children of God, who belong in the house of our Father. Then the healing grace of Christ restores us, and his glory shines forth for all to see.

 

(For those wanting to read more, Gregory’s reflection on the Lost Coin is found in Chapter 12 of his work On Virginity)

Panic Rooms

Do you have a panic room?

Unless you’re on the wealthy side, you probably don’t have a high-tech security vault that you can escape to in the event of home invasion, zombie apocalypse, visits from the in-laws, or whatever other threats you may experience.

However, many of us have spiritual or emotional “panic rooms” that we flee to when we feel unsafe or threatened, anxious or confused. That has definitely been part of my story.

My childhood was not always easy. My stepfather could be one of the funniest and funnest people to be around. Other days, he would get into fits of rage, yelling and screaming, name calling, belittling, pushing or shoving, slapping, and the like. God and others have helped me to find healing for the fear and shame that I internalized, yes, even to find deep compassion and mercy for him in his woundedness. I love him and forgive him.

It has been a long journey to make the transition from victim of trauma to lifelong survivor to true freedom as a wise and joyful son of God. Well, okay, I can’t claim to have arrived at the last one, but it’s a work in progress.

Our human brains are wired to survive. Like all mammals, we all have the “fight or flight” instinct – or in other cases, the impulse to “freeze” like an opossum. Whether in the savagery of nature, the horrors of the battlefield, or the hidden hells of suburbia, these hardwired instincts serve to save us, protect us, and help us to survive and endure.

But there is a problem. Our brains can get stuck in “survive” mode, keeping us from becoming who we are destined to be. We are more than mere mammals. As human beings, beloved sons and daughters in God’s image, we are called to abide in love and truth, to experience the joy and peace of communion with God and others.

Those who experience full-blown PTSD can be blocked significantly from this experience. They are often numb. They cannot feel what they feel; they struggle to realize what they really need. They become disconnected from their surroundings and their loved ones. They often plunge into addictions as their interior battle rages on.

Even if we don’t have PTSD, I think a large number of us, in one way or another, run away from our more painful emotions or fail to seek out what we truly desire and need. We hide out in our panic rooms.

As a child, I had various panic rooms. I would hide under the covers of my bed or talk with an imaginary friend. I was especially adept at daydreaming. I probably needed daydreaming as a way of getting through the traumas I was experiencing. On the plus side, I also used my imagination creatively, and became a highly reflective and independent person. But I also became an isolated person. It was a struggle to focus in school or during games on the playground. I was disconnected and lonely.

As I entered adolescence, things shifted. I suddenly discovered determination and a laser focus. In my longing for fatherly affirmation, I entered on a path of overachieving – whether in academics or in athletics. The false god of achievement and success haunted me for a long time. But that is a different story for a different time.

I discovered new “panic rooms.” I spent thousands of hours playing video games. It was the ultimate fantasy escape. I especially loved games that were challenging, but which I could eventually overcome through diligence and ingenuity. I would get a thrill from each level of achievement, and a marvelous sense of accomplishment with the praise and accolades at the end of the game. Sure, there were dangers and threats, but nothing the reset button couldn’t fix. It was a safe little universe with predictable rules. And best of all, I didn’t have to think about or feel any loneliness or shame or fear.

Another “panic room” was turning to comfort food. Later in life, I could add alcohol to the mix. I might have a stressful day, but I would know that at the end of it I could fix myself a drink or eat something I liked. For years of my life, I carried extra weight (not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well).

Different people have different panic rooms: indulging in food and drink, watching television, pornography, masturbation, smoking, fixing other people’s problems, getting yet another tattoo, intense exercise, careerism, and many more. Some are more destructive than others. Sometimes what is a healthy hobby for one person becomes a destructive escape for another.

Panic rooms are not a bad thing in and of themselves. People spend thousands of dollars on them for a reason. But consider their real purpose. Whether the citadel on ship or a safety room in a mansion, the purpose is to be a temporary place of safety and refuge. It is supposed to be a three-step process: (1) Retreat into the place of safety; (2) Reach out for help; (3) Come back out into the world safe and secure.

Some of us keep hiding in our place of perceived “safety.” We are too stubborn or scared to ask for help, or too proud to admit that we need it. So we stay stuck in isolation, loneliness, or addictions. When we learn instead to reach out to those who are willing to help us, we can leave behind our panic rooms and enter healthy and safe relationships in the big and beautiful world outside. Panic rooms are great for surviving a real threat. But they are no place to abide in.